Life after Cali

Well my life has been all turned around since I left cali. I have been either sick or in a bad place mentally since I got back.
Bud really messes with my head. I can never tell if I am coming or going with him around. The biggest question is why can he still do this to me. I am in a relationship with a really great guy and I am finally getting my life back a little at a time. Yet he still can make my head spin! I am trying to get on with my life but he keeps pulling me back and making me doubt myself and my choices. I really don't know how to handle this. Before when I was single it was no big deal I just hid from the world a couple days and I was fine but now that I am dating someone it is hard to deal with. I can't hide because my boyfriend wont let me. I really can't handle Bud in my life but there is no way to change that. I thought I was finished with all of this confliction about him but apparantly not.
Maybe I shouldn't be in a relationship right now it really isn't fair to my boyfriend. I have been distant and unaffectionate towards him since I returned. Not that that is how I feel about him. I guess I put the wall back up. My boyfriend had really done a good job of tearing down that wall and a few days with Bud and now it is back up again. It is not my boyfriends fault that Bud broke me in two 6 years ago. Why should he pay the price for another guy screwing me over??
I need to find a way to stop self destructing. I dont enjoy it and I am sure my boyfriend is not enjoying watching me get further and further away. He is being very patient and kind but I can see it is wearing on him he is starting to push and unfortantly that is not good. How do I let something go that I dont even know what I am still holding on to. I know I have anger and pain and sadness when it comes to Bud. I really don't have any good feelings there but yet he stops me in my tracks whenever my life starts to go good. I am convinced that I sabitosh myself!!!!



I wonder..


As I sit here watching you sleep
I wonder
About the possibilities
Of you and me
Together
I wonder
If you could really love me
Accept me for who I am
Flaws and all
I wonder
If I am ready to open up
Ready to invite you in
Ready to really love you
Flaws and all
I wonder
I can’t say I have never loved before
But this feels different
Your boyish charm
Does me in
I wonder
Will I get scared?
Will I push you away?
Like so many before you
I sabotage myself
I wonder……….